so, i’m sick. probably tonsillitis or strep throat. the main point is, it hurts like fuck to swallow anything. so, of course, my body has been trying to avoid swallowing (which i realized when i woke up on a drool-covered pillow — fun!). anyway, i haven’t had an appetite at all and today i passed a mirror and i thought…

what if this kept up for a week or two and i dropped some weight?

and then i went and weighed myself. and felt slightly proud because i was down about 15 pounds lighter than the last time i weighed myself.

…wow. 

i’m in pain and sick and my thoughts automatically jump to if it’ll make me skinnier. that’s such a problem. 

and i know it’s not just me… my father is my best friend and my hero, but i know he’s super self-conscious about his weight, too. he stopped me a few days ago and asked “does my weight make me look grotesque?” and i wanted to cry because he’s 48 and he’s the strongest person i know and the most loveable and the most confident and he’s worried if people think he looks grotesque. it’s heartbreaking that as much as we (he and i) do and accomplish and see, we’re always worried about being too big. 

yesterday, i found out that i gained 10 pounds or so. this puts me at…. well, let’s just say i weigh more than a good number of professional football players. today, it was a TINY bit warmer earlier, so i wore my oversized deep purple sweater, black leggings, and black Timberland boots. as i’m headed home (also wearing a thermal-lined hoodie and scarf, so i’m kinda padded by now), this random guy yells out to me, “YOU HAVE A GREAT BODY, MA.”

HELL YEAH

FUCKIN RIGHT